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Creative Computers
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Creative Computers CD-ROM, Volume 1 (Legendary Design Technologies, Inc.)(1994).iso
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1994-11-17
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329 lines
Out in the neither regions of the galaxy, there is a lone outpost,
where the search for new plots and even weirder charachters is ever ongoing.
Out there, Scarfeet maintains one outpost ... it's mission -- higher
ratings. The name ...
S T A R D R E K
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lame Parody Nine
Star Drek: Lame Parody Nine (c) 1993 DigiT.W.I.T. Ink. UnLtd
Written by Woody
All rights reserved, all dogs go to heaven.
Personae:
=============================================================================
Commander Sanfran Sisco
Scarfeet commander of Lame Parody Nine, a old, broken down space station
and ice hockey rink.
Major Bitch
'nuff said.
Chief Potatoes O'Brien
Head Engineer of Lame Parody Nine.
Constable Bono
Head of security, and ex-mayor of Palm Springs.
Lieutenant Sax
Bill Clinton in Babe's clothing (and body) and Science officer.
Dr. Pepper
Medical doctor and head horndog of LP9.
===============================================================================
As our show opens up, we see Lame Parody Nine, an old broken down
space station come into view. Clearly visible are the clear nylon strings
holding the model up against the background of stars. The station itself
clearly looks shot the hell up. The external lights flicker on and off.
A sign shows on the left side of the station: "Model by Revell"
A single Scarfeet starship is heading for one of the docks. Inside the
starship, Commander Sanfran Sisko and Chief Potatoes O'Brien are looking
out of the window, at the station they will be disembarking at in a few
minutes
Cmdr Sisko: I wonder why Scarfeet is sending us here to this Godforsaken
place?
Chief O'Brien: Oh, thats an easy enough question. They wanted a more
"down-to-earth" show. Although, how we're going to find a "down-to-earth"
show here 30,000 light years away from Earth is BEYOND me.
Soon, the starship docks and Sisko and O'Brien disembark onto the
station. They are met by a female with a bad nose job. She salutes.
Bitch: I am Major Bitch, and I'll be your second in command, like it or not.
Sisko: Well, now I know where you got your name from. By the way, what
are you anyways?
Bitch: I am a Spayjoran. Our reproductive capabilities are severely
restricted, and in the female of our species, it results in
hormone overflow. We have, what you humans call PMS, roughly
30 days out of every month. Let's get things straight. My
loyalties are to Spayjor, that planet that this damn station
is circling around. I don't like Scarfeet, I don't like you,
I don't like ... <sniff> this damn uniform, and <sob> I don't
like .... aww dammit, I don't like these earrings...waaaaaaaa
Sisco: There, there, it's not that bad....
Bitch: WAAAAAAAAAAAAA <sniff> yes it IS!!!
O'Brien: Damn, they really do have PMS all the time...
Bitch: Take that back dammit!!!
O'Brien: bu...bu...but, I-I'm just repeating what y-you...
Bitch: BUT WHAT? Listen mister, you insult me and my people, I'll turn
you into MASHED Potatoes O'Brien. That clear?
O'Brien: Y-yes ma'am!
Sisko: Well, it looks like you two will get along just fine...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
LP9 Commander's Log. Stardate 324812.231.00.002.110122.and one tenth.
We have arrived somewhat safely onto Lame Parody Nine, which
orbits Spayjor. The Spajorans are a very testy race, who seem to have
genetic bad nosejobs. They have recently been at war with the
Creditcardassians, who are a race of compulsive shoppers.
Recently, the fighting came to an end when the first Benihana franchise
opened up on Visa. Apperantly,Creditcardassians the were so interested in
watching Benihana chefs do their thing, that they forgot all about the war.
Before withdrawing, they destroyed all means of the Spayjorans to manufacture
tampons. After our meeting with Major Bitch, my second in command and
Spayjoran liason officer, we see how important this is. Thusly, I have
requested that Scarfeet transport 10,000 tampons to Spayjor to avert disaster.
After two days here, my opinion of the station is this: It is
shot to hell. How life support is maintained, I have no idea. Although
it is messy right now, the producers have assured me that this will me
a state-of-the art fully functional station by the second episode.
The other members of the crew here are Constable Bono, who claims
to be a singer. From what I've heard so far, I'm inclined to disagree
strongly. He has taken a liking to a Spredum female named Chair. A
coincidence? I think not. Lieutenant Sax is an old friend of mine, we
played Arsenio together. I am not sure if I am to call Sax a he or a she,
and this question is making me question my own sexual orientation. Doctor
Pepper, well, there is nothing this guy will not do to get laid. Its amazing
he hasn't contracted one of the alien STD's floating around there, like
the Straian Purple Spotted Penis Disease or something. But I figure
he will sooner or later. Thusly, I have asked Scarfeet for a new
medical officer. They have told me that the minimum time is two weeks,
but that should be fine -- he oughta have something by then. There is
also, amazingly a gambling establishment called Atlantic City, owned by
Donald Trump XXIV, on the Promenade. The executive owner of this
franchise is a Ferengi named Bark, and as far as I can tell, that's all
he does all day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two weeks later...
Scarfeet have left two scout ships at LP9, for the use of the crew.
The crew of the station have been using them to inspect the outside of
LP9 for damage, and to screw in new lightbulbs on the outside. On this
particular mission, Commander Sisco and Major Bitch were looking for
Sisco's lost Diary, which had been accidentally dumped out with the
morning trash.
Sisco: We've been searching for two hours now, and still no sign of the
thing. Bitch, I think we're wasting our time, let's head home.
Bitch: Okay, but don't say we didn't try, you know...
Sisco: Hey, a question: Why is it that on a station of 5000 people, the
commanding officer and second in command have to pilot the scout
ships? Can't we have dedicated scout pilots?
Bitch: Oh, the thing is that we're the main charachters, and although
it would be very logical for us to have scout crewmen, its
too complicated for our audience to follow. Take, for example,
Star Drek: The Next Load of Bull. Wilma Stryker is ALWAYS the
one who leads an away team on the Enterprise. And you notice how
he always takes members of the Bridge crew with him? What about
the thousands of people on THAT ship?
Sisco: Oh, I get it. Oh! Hey there! Three o'clock... there's something
out there. Take us over there, quickly!
Bitch: Take us here, take us there ... do this, do that. Why can't you do
it yourself, huh?
Sisco: Because you're at the controls.
Bitch: SO?! What's THAT gotta do with anything?
Sisco: Oh shut up and drive.
Bitch reluctantly steers the ship towards where Sisco wanted.
Soon the object comes into view. It's a small plaque with a red button
on it. Floating out in the middle of space.
Bitch: What do you suppose THAT is?
Sisco: A plot device?
Bitch: BESIDES that! What's it doing out here? I wonder if we should press
the button.
Sisco: Hmmm, I guess we should, otherwise this episode will go nowhere. I'll
activate the robotic arm.
Sisco activates the robotic arm, and controls it with a joystick.
After a few minutes he uses the arm to push the button. A blinding flash
appears before them. When they can both see again, they look out the windows
to see what happened. A terrible sight appears before them. A pair of
gigantic lips, reminicent of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, has appeared
before them. As they wa